Goodbye My Lover
by Hayla
Summary: [songifc] How can you prepare yourself for a final goodbye? After the events of Doomsday, the Doctor struggles with his feelings for Rose and tries to cope with how things will never be the same again.


**SPOILER ALERT**: If you are in the US and only just now watching **_Doctor Who_** on Sci fi, this fic deals with the ending events of the current series! (in particular _Army of Ghosts / Doomsday_ ) SO, if you don't want to ruin it, I wouldn't recommend reading this fic at this time (but do please come back in January '07!). If you are already aware of what happens, or just don't care and/or in the mood for some romantic melancholy, read on!

**Disclaimer**: Nope. Own nothing of the Doctor's, despite my best efforts. Song is James Blunt's _Goodbye My Lover_. Oh, and minor past Doctors canon liberty taken. Blink and you miss it. Archived at www.switchangel. and always with permission! )

**Note**: This fic was partly a result of YouTube, which is littered with fan videos for _Army of Ghosts / Doomsday_ set to this song. Particularly this one: http/ I agree that it is very fitting lyric.

**Goodbye My Lover**  
by **_Hayla_**  
-o-  


It would be hard to explain, exactly, how slow seconds can pass. For most, it's not a thought. It's a blink of the eye, a snap of a finger, or an escaped sigh. Mostly unnoticed. Never really counted. And, as to be expected, forgotten - taken over by larger blocks of time like days, months, and years. A second is negligible.

But not to The Doctor. Not any more, anyways.

Now, every second is spent in agony - with the realization that every tick of a clock represents more time spent without her. Sleep doesn't help either. In fact, seconds become more agonizing in dreams for he sees her, hair whipping around her frightened face, fingers white with effort as she tried so desperately to hold on.

_Seconds_. Mere seconds and she would still be here with him. Safe. Happy. Vibrantly alive.

Alive? He didn't know for sure. She slipped... fell... they both screamed... and then Pete appeared. Doctor and Rose looked at each other, knowing in that moment what it meant to be saved from the void. She wasn't going to hell like the Cybermen or Daleks. No, her hell would be separation. Complete isolation from her Doctor. Did she know that he would feel the same sense of purgatory as she disappeared into the Parallel?

It didn't matter. There was nothing he could do. A Time Lord, surely. But this was, for once, completely beyond him. The rifts were sealed. The Void closed. The world was safe, yet again. Everything was as it was supposed to be.

Well... not _everything._

The Doctor had been in the TARDIS for weeks. Months? Time really does get warped when every second is observed. It was an eternity to him. He opened his eyes, bloodshot red. Had he fallen asleep? No, not really. He still saw her face so vividly in that moment before Pete brought her to the other Earth.

Her eyes. Her eyes were what haunted him more than anything else. _Why_... they asked him. _Why couldn't you save me?_

He had saved her so many times before. He always knew he could be there for her, no matter what happened. He was the Doctor, after all. But he had watched her slip towards the Void. He hadn't moved. _Couldn't_ move. Only watch. She had always trusted him. From the very beginning, she had followed him - almost blindly so. Wherever he went, she was to follow - no questions asked.

Jackie had once accused him of brainwashing Rose. Maybe he had. From the moment she set off across space and time with him, he knew that it would have to end eventually. At first, he didn't think it would matter. They would part ways, one way or another. And he would continue as he always had. Alone. Maybe with another companion, maybe not. He just knew it would happen. Yet, he hadn't expected this. He hadn't expected to feel quite this way.

"How long are you going to stay with me,"he had once asked, so shocked that through it all she was still by his side.

"Forever," was her simple reply.

_Forever._

And that was what haunted him most. She was willing to give up everything to be with him until the end of her time. He had failed to honor her loyalty.

_**Did I disappoint you or let you down?   
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?   
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,   
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.**_

The TARDIS hadn't moved from it's place at Torchwood. The Doctor, although he had obviously been given back his "alien" technology, no longer felt a desire to use it. What was the point, after all? There was no joy in leaving for another adventure now. At least, here on this Earth, at this time, he was as close to her as he'd ever be again.

Inside the TARDIS the Doctor rolled off his small, cold cot and stretched, mindlessly walking. He entered the console room, palms rubbing his tired eyes. Would he be leaving today? He fancied it for a moment, but grew almost instently tired and heavy at the thought.

"Where now," he asked no one. The Heart of the TARDIS murmured for a moment, anticipating an action that was not to be taken yet.

The Doctor dwelled on the memory of meeting Rose for the very first time. The shop couldn't be more than a mile or so from his current location. Mannequins. Those stupid mannequins. He never thought he would thank the Autons for anything... but they had led him to Rose.

He had told her to run for her life. And she had - confused, bewildered, completely unawares that fate would bring them together again. He hadn't been impressed with her at first. She was very young and lively. But, there had been a sadness around her. She was barely 20, if that. He instantly made the assumption that she was not really alive. Not yet, anyways.

So what had he done? Offered her the universe of course. He would show her far off worlds and impossible times. The TARDIS would just take them anywhere. To the ends of the world. Funny enough that _that_ would be their first stop together. The End.

"What was I thinking anyway..." He was talking to himself again. Never a good sign. But what had he been thinking? That he would save her? Was showing her a world she could never leave really the best thing? To travel with the Doctor was a temptation he knew fe could resist.

He was a Time Lord. He understood things differently from her. It wasn't his job, but more of his right to open her eyes. As The Doctor, he could pick and choose his companions at will. He didn't have to invite her along. He didn't have to open his door... but he had.

But, Rose wanted to come along, right? She had wanted to see time and space play out before her. He had just extended his hand. She was the one that accepted it... right? Or, was he just selfish.

"Dammit." His fist slammed angrily down on the console causing the controls to buzz and flicker momentarily. "Who am I to play God?"

_**So I took what's mine by eternal right.  
Took your soul out into the night.  
It may be over but it won't stop there,  
I am here for you if you'd only care.**_

Fist clenched, hearts thumping loudly in his ears... he felt an anger like he never felt before. He felt like tearing apart the TARDIS... felt like ripping out it's very heart and looking into that vortex for one last time. He would let it consume him this time though. What was the point in regeneration if, when you woke, you would still be left feeling this empty?

The TARDIS echoed with the laughter of her ghost. He forgot what it was like before Rose. How quiet. They were so much alike, The Doctor and Rose. Especially lately. They had fun. It was the most fun a companion had ever brought him. Every planet, every time, was a new, unimaginable adventure. From Queen Victoria to Madame de Pompadour - wherever that might have led seemed so unimportant now.

There were many times when he should have left Rose at home with Jackie and Mickey. But no. Selfishly he had even managed to drag the both of them into this huge mess. Briefly, The Doctor toyed with the notion of what it would have been like if he had never met any of them.

Almost instantly a cold weight settled in his stomach.

"Hungry_",_ he thought, though he knew that wasn't the reason for his sudden bowel pains.

He walked aimlessly till he came to the TARDIS door, debating shortly on whether or not he should leave. He was still in the Torchwood Institute. He wasn't sure what had happened, however, since he had retreated into the TARDIS after the Dalek and Cybermen were sucked into the Void. Was the world still in chaos?

Again, cold spread quickly through his body. He had always eagerly stepped into the unknown before. What was so different this time? Why couldn't he leave? Why couldn't he do much of anything anymore?

"Rose."

He spoke her name out loud, wondering what it sounded like again. He hadn't said it since she fell. His body shivered. Frustrated, he furrowed his brow, turning around to face the console room and shouted. "ROSE!"

Why? Why would it make such difference to him whether or not she was there. He had thought he had lost her before. He had left her without giving her hope of his return. But, he had returned. And it did make a difference that she wasn't there. It made a big difference.

So much of the past few years had been revolved around seeing places through her eyes. The thought of going somewhere without her became extremely frightening. When they stepped outside of the TARDIS to explore, his eyes had always just been set on her -on what she thought, on what she saw. Why was he only now realizing this?

His hearts thumped wildly against his chest again. He needed to hear her name. "Rose Tyler! Rose!" He kept saying it again and again. Like a mantra and desperate plea. He needed the cold to stop. He needed to fill the emptiness of the TARDIS with her presence again, even if it was only by means of her name.

_**You touched my heart you touched my soul.  
You changed my life and all my goals.  
And love is blind and that I knew when,  
My heart was blinded by you.**_

He pressed his face and hands against the stark white walls. Everything was cold and there was still the smell of gun fire, burnt air, and decay in the air. There was no one when The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS. There was no sign that anyone had even been to Canary Wharf since the battle broke out.

The place was torn up badly. The crossfire between the Cybermen / Daleks / Humans had left scorched markings and holes just about everywhere. Except here - the Void Room.

His hand slid over the incredibly smooth surface. Back and forth he rubbed the white, wondering if, just perhaps, Rose was doing the same on the other side. Was she thinking about him? Or was being reunited with her father and Mickey too distracting.

_Her eyes_.

They were frightened. They had stared him down in those fractions of seconds that held eternity. They told him she was afraid... afraid that she would never see him again. Was he afraid that he would never see her again? No. How could he be afraid of the impossible? They _would _never be together again. He had made sure of that when he closed the fractures between the two worlds.

The Doctor felt a slight prickling behind his eyes and was quick to squeeze them shut. Swirls of muted colors danced in his mind's eye. He banged his forehead against the wall, letting each dull strike increase the flickers of light and dark.

"Why did you let go!" She had released her hold of the magnet - her only safety. She grabbed the lever and pushed it back into place. She did all that, but couldn't hold on. "Stupid girl..."

He gasped and drew his hands to cover his mouth. No. Not stupid. Intelligent. Witty... beautiful. Never stupid. Never weak. She would be stronger than him right now. Surely she wasn't on the other side, staring at blank walls and feeling like shit. She had so much to live for now. Much more than he had.

At least he was left with memories. He felt her holding his hand. Felt her wrap herself around him. They had been close for so long. He had held her on long nights when she had missed home a little too much. There was, of course, that _one _night not too long ago when they had drank too much of stolen Sontarish ale, watching too moons set over a cerulean ocean. The Sonraran's may not have had any use for food, but their development of high priced, illegal liquor was impeccable. One thing had led to another and with a wisp of cool breeze and the dizzying effects of too much to drink, things happened.

Neither of them talked about it, of course. There was a deep love between them that often played out completely platonic. They had fun and took everything in stride - the way it was meant to happen. Very little words were spent on the past. She had been there to make him laugh when he was too lost in thought to realize he was being moody. Together they had conspired high-jinks, plotted mischief, and most importantly, made every moment an excuse to live. She had done that to him. She had made The Doctor more than just a Time Lord. She had been the perfect drug needed to make the ever changing world of loneliness not only bearable, but downright pleasurable. She taught what living was all about, even though her years were so short. Too him, she was everything. Without her became a painful, unbearable withdrawal from everything worth living.

_**I've kissed your lips and held your hand.  
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.  
I know you well, I know your smell.  
I've been addicted to you.**_

He pushed off the wall, opening his eyes and taking a few steps back. The wall hadn't changed, just his perception of it had. Walking slowly backwards a flicker of light caught his eye. Computers... they were still online. Curiosity got the better or him. Had Earth emploded on itself? Now that the "ghosts" were gone... was man picking up the pieces or creating more chaos in the wake of battle? Although he had an interest in humans, he remained skeptical of their will power. Many would take advantage in the collapse of cities and momentary occupation.

He picked up a chair and set to the task of finding out what was happening outside the Torchwood walls. He was surprised to see the wealth of civility shown not only in Britain, but throughout the world. Not only were they picking up the pieces, they were forming alliances, giving aid... forming a new society. The slight flicker of a smile passed across The Doctor's face. So, the Golden Age of Man would come to pass after all.

But then he saw it. A small blue link on the bottom of the news page. It almost seemed morbid in its simplicity, the words seeming so unobtrusive. He frowned... and clicked on the "List of Dead". Would she be there?

Taylor, Emma L.(deceased)

Taylor, Frank P.(deceased)  
Tek, Yun (deceased)+  
Thompson, James R.G. (deceased)  
Tice, Martin S. (deceased)  
Tyler, Jacquelyn A.S. (deceased)+  
_Tyler, Rose M. (deceased)+_

The Doctor's mind froze for a second. Something about seeing it in black and white made everything so surreal. Deceased? No, not really... maybe. No, she was alive. She had to be. Pete had caught her just in time. He had saved her from the Void. There was no possible way that they were sucked into it.

He touched the screen, tracing her name. Wishing to feel her again. This made it a little more real. There was, of course, the disclaimer on the bottom of the page. That those marked were only missing, but assumed dead due to the nature of the Cybermen's attacks. Still, seeing her name on the list hurt something fierce. The world... Rose's Earth had given her up. There was no one, save maybe the Doctor, who viewed her name with any bit of sadness.

That was all he needed to see. He stood up and walked slowly back to the wall, placing his hands onto the former-Void's surface. He leaned in, lips just brushing the sheetrock and paint .

"Goodbye," he whispered - voice barely above the sound of an exhale, "my dear, sweet Rose." He realized what this wall was, to him, a tombstone. This is where the world as he knew it thus far ended. This is where he lost _his_ Rose. And that was that. He kissed the wall, lingering only for one precious second more before turning around, heading quickly back to the TARDIS.

It was time for him to leave.

_**Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one...  
You have been the one for me.**_

How long had it been since he left 21st century Earth. Days? Weeks? No... only eternal seconds. The TARDIS went on without any real direction. His joy in flying it manually had taken a back seat and only wavering psychic thought projected direction into the past or future. Worlds were inconsequential. Time just didn't matter. The police box could land in the middle of a volcano on Krola-Dios and he could care less.

The Doctor knew this lapse in concentration could only ever be temporary. His life-span was too long to spend wandering here and there without any sense of pleasure or purpose. Deep inside, even though he didn't feel it, he believed that he must move on. He had to, because that is what he wished most for Rose.

When the seconds strung too many together, The Doctor sometimes found himself in a trance - he wouldn't call it sleep. He could see Rose and Mickey walking down the streets of London, on their way to meet Jackie and Pete for lunch. He imagined Rose smiling and laughing... shopping for new clothes, as she had always loved to do. Surely this was the better life for her - not the darkness of infinite space, no matter how seductive it could be. Time and Space were his domain... and, rightful or not, his alone.

One thing that the Doctor had become aware of, as the TARDIS bounced across space, was that he no longer set goals. Before, he had plans on where he wanted to go. Mostly it was because he wanted to show Rose things... to experience it all with her. But lately, it just didn't seem to matter. His imagination failed him. Perhaps that's why the TARDIS hadn't stopped at any place with life since he left Earth. His subconscious was leading it on a dark mission.

_No..._ next time he would do better. He would concentrate and go on with his life. Rose was going on with hers. He was definite of it.

There was a shudder. The Heart of the TARDIS gave to loud pulse and appeared in time. The Doctor casually glanced down at his console to see where he had brought himself to now.

_**I am a dreamer and when I wake,  
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.  
And as you move on, remember me,  
Remember us and all we used to be**_

"Why would I bring myself..." His eyes darted quickly over the information given to him. Suddenly, a wave of inspiration hit him hard and fast. He jumped up with excitement, eyes gleaming and showing more life then they had in who knew how long.

"A star," he said, smiling wide. "I've brought myself to a collapsing star!"

It took less time than one would imagine to make a collapsing sun into a full on supernova. The Doctor just needed to encourage it a little bit. The hardest part had actually been to find the tiny fissures between universes. Of course his plan to close the Void had worked... at least the larger cracks were repaired. It was these small little gaps of space that still allowed the two universes to meet. All the energy needed was there, if only she would come.

"Rose," he called out again and again. The energy from the sun wouldn't sustain him for more than a day at best. Probably less than that. He only hoped that she would hear him. "Rose."

Rose Tyler awoke from her sleep, cold sweat pouring from her body. "Doctor..." She did the only thing she could do. The feeling was strong. The Doctor - _her_ Doctor was calling her. Somehow... somewhere. It barely took any convincing at all to get her parents and Mickey packed up and ready to go.

_"Rose"_. She closed her eyes. He sounded so far away, but she heard him. She heard him calling. She felt where she needed to go.

And he felt her too. It was unmistakable - her presence. She had found the gap. She had come to him. He appeared right in front of her and suddenly both their personal world's spun wildly. He could do nothing but stare at her for the infinity in seconds. She really was there. She had made it...

And Rose, in turn, stared at him, her eyes shiny and hopeful.

"Where are you..."

"On the TARDIS..."

Would she understand that he couldn't be with her after this? That he was only a projection from a parallel place?

"I'm burning up a sun just to say goodbye..."

She reached out her hand, hoping to touch his cheek like she had so many times before.

"I'm still just an image... no touch."

Did she know how much it hurt him not to be able to hold her? He had taken all their embraces for granted all along. And now the pit of his stomach burned with the strongest desire to hold her, kiss her, claim her as his own... forever...

But it was impossible to cross universes without destroying all worlds on both sides. Could he be that selfish?

"How long have you got?"

"About two minutes."

They could of had so much longer... if only he had been able to save her instead of Pete.

"I hardly know what to say!"

She was crying so hard. He felt such deep pain. He had come here with the purpose of only saying two things to her. And only one of them was goodbye... the other was...

"There's five of us now. Mom, Dad, Mickey... and the baby."

The Doctor's heart leaped. "You're not..."

No... of course not. He could never be that lucky. It was Jackie that was expecting. And he had discovered that it had only been a few months since he had last seen Rose. Still, it had felt like an eternity. Time was so precious now, but the Doctor couldn't bare to bring up what he really wanted to say. Instead he tried to talk of other things... Rose's life on that Earth... how _she _was doing. He joked with her joining Torchwood.

He told her that she was officially listed as dead on her original Earth. He hoped she would see the irony, because after all...

"Here you are, living a life day after day. One adventure I can never have..."

"Am I ever going to see you again?"

It hurt. It hurt so badly to see her break down the way she was... tears unchecked and uncontrolled spilling down her face. It truly broke his heart to tell her that she couldn't. This would be the last time they would talk to one another. He would be on his own once again.

_**I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.  
I've watched you sleeping for a while.  
I'd be the father of your child.  
I'd spend a lifetime with you.**_

"I... I love you..."

Rose's confession wasn't a secret at all. He knew she loved him. He knew every inch of her. Perhaps it was only now that he realized it so clearly. She was as much a part of him as he was of her. They were one in such a way that pales even the greatest of companions.

He let his mind wander for a mere second. He saw them together, hand in hand, as they always were. Traipsing across the universe as the greatest lovers of lore. He saw how their life could have been if she hadn't let go of the lever - if he had saved her. There passion would have been great... possibly the greatest. For the first time, the Doctor saw himself growing old with Rose, even though, logically, he knew that could never happen regardless of parallel dimensions. Time Lords have vastly longer lives than most.

But all he was dreaming of was a lifetime that could only ever be fiction. She stood in front of him, perfect and untouchable, saying that she loved him. And this was the moment. The _other_ thing he had come here to say. The one thing that he hadn't said in a very, very long time.

"And I suppose, it's my last chance to say it. Rose Tyler..."

_**I know your fears and you know mine.  
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,  
And I love you, I swear that's true.  
I cannot live without you.**_

... the TARDIS. Seconds. Only seconds away from telling her and he was disconnected. The power had failed. The gap had been permanently sealed. And now he stood there, mouth wide, words on the tip of his tongue. The Doctor stared straight ahead at metal walls where, only moments ago, the image of Rose had been.

He cried.

Honestly, he couldn't remember the last time he had cried, but now the tears flowed silently down his cheeks. He tried to form the words, even if it was only to the air... but he couldn't. She was gone. He bowed his head, the final defeat crashing down upon him. He just prayed that she knew...

_**Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one...  
You have been the one for me.**_

Rose felt as if her world had ended. In the blink of an eye, he was gone. And he had never told her if he loved her. She ran to her mother, who held her as tightly as possible.

"You know he loves you," She shushed her manic daughter, rocking her back and forth, offering what seemed like trivial comfort. "You know he does, Rose. You have to believe that..."

Rose shook violently, her entire body mourning the complete loss of her Doctor. "Who will hold his hand now," she asked between massive sobs. "Who?"

Jackie shook her head, not grasping fully what this meant, only knowing that her daughter would have to move on from this. And she knew how it hurt. She knew.

On the TARDIS, the Doctor stared down at his hands. "Who will hold my hand now," he thought to himself. "Who will walk through other worlds with me?"

The simple thought of touch... to have Rose's fingers intertwined with his. It was such a very small thing, and it baffled him as to why all of a sudden this seemed so important. The littlest thing held such enormous value.

_**And I still hold your hand in mine.  
In mine when I'm asleep.  
And I will bare my soul in time,  
When I'm kneeling at your feet.**_

It took Rose almost four hours to leave the beach. She had collapsed on the sand with exhaustion and just stared out across the water. Her face burned, her throat felt scratchy... everything ached. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. She had told him... had vowed to herself that she would be with him forever. How had she gotten it so wrong?

She would eventually accept that the Doctor was trying to say that he loved her. But not to hear those words seemed like a cruel thing for Fate to allow. After all they had been through.

Rose got up from the wet sandy beach, brushing off her jeans. She walked up to Mickey and hugged him. "Take me home," she said quietly.

It had been the first time since arriving on this Earth that Rose had called Pete's place 'home'. It just had finally sunk in that there was no going back. The Doctor had done all that he could. He had given it his best, and that was only to say a farewell.

This, too, she would eventually accept. She knew it. And maybe sometime in the future she would look back on this day and consider it a blessing.

_**Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me.**_

The Doctor collected himself, steering his mind away from his abrupt and unfortunate departure from Rose. The sun would give way soon. There was nothing left for him to do now. He thought he was prepared to say goodbye, but now more than ever he realized that wasn't true. He didn't feel any better. If anything, having one more glimpse of Rose only intensified his sense of loss.

Who could ever possibly be prepared to say goodbye to all that was good in life?

_**I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.**_

He would have to get the TARDIS up and running again. No point in lingering now. With an empty heart he circled the console, pulling and pushing the levers and switches that would take him off to his next adventure, though he doubted it would ever add up to the ones he had shared the past years with Rose.

_**I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.**_

And there it was. In seconds, his next adventure would start, because that's how it always happens. Seconds strung together in a string to represent minutes, hours, and days. Enough strands together formed months and years. But eternity? Eternity belonged in seconds. The breath of a moment needed to say I love you... and if words couldn't be formed, a look could speak volumes. Rose knew the look.

She had seen it in the Doctor's eyes the very second he appeared on the shore.

/end/


End file.
